The vacation hesitation.

This is it. The final hours before we depart are upon us. I have spent the majority of my time packing, trying to tie up any loose ends with Josiah's care/preparation, and teetering on the fence of predicting my emotional status tomorrow and the days that follow. In this exact moment I feel like crying. I am hoping that sentiment doesn't carry through beyond this evening. I should feel reassured since yesterday I pulled out Josiah's brand new suitcase (sent from Grandpa Grady for the occasion) and he immediately starting chanting for Noni and Paw Paw's house. I'm not sure how he knew that the bag I was packing might indeed be for just that. When I told him we weren't going to see Noni and Paw Paw that day he melted into a puddle of grief on the floor and desperately cried their names through sobs. It was incredibly dramatic...and it happened every time we accidentally said their names or a word that prompted him to even think of them. Clearly he enjoys his destination, and I truly think he might do better with this separation than I will. That is my true prayer. I think my hesitation is rooted in an anticipatory guilt...the one that thinks it will truly be all my fault if he wants me and I'm not there, if he misses me, if he needs the one person in the world that can fix all wrong (at least in his eyes). I am looking forward to quiet meals in restaurants, sleeping in, reading a book on the plane AND by the pool, and all of the things that one cannot do to relax with a child on hand. I hope the joy of grandparents and the joy of a true vacation trump all possible hang-ups for both parties.