We have certainly been on a faith journey with this whole thing. I am actually encouraged to know that the Lord has led other families through this same thing while in our same circumstances. Anyway, one of the other "unanswered" questions we have had is whether we are going to have a boy or a girl. This is not a bad question by any means. In fact, this process is very much like a pregnancy, and that is the #1 question any expectant parent gets asked. That being said...in many ways I am very glad that we elected for a "surprise" with Josiah's birth. We thought it would be fun, but standing where I am now, I see that it was just a foreshadow and time of preparation for the spiritual journey we are on now. Accepting "surprises" is a crucial requirement for the adoption process. For all the planning in me, I somehow had no problem with waiting to find out Josiah's gender. (Sidenote: the Lord had spoken prophetically about Josiah two years before his birth, telling me his name and a few other special things about him. So, by technicality I knew it was a boy all along...but believing it with confidence throughout my pregnancy was a whole other faith journey that I could talk about for hours...) That baby step was the one I took before moving my next foot forward to now say, "I can accept my baby arriving in two months or in a year." With that background information...
We have the opportunity to specify "boy," "girl," or "either." We (in our fleshly selves) are hoping for a girl, but we believe that just with conception, the Lord should choose who needs to be in our family. If we had the opportunity to choose with conception, most of us would probably choose a family much different that the one God designed to give to us. Everyone has some kind of notion as to what the "perfect family" looks like. Therefore, even though we could specify and I have no problem with people that do so, I feel we are called to say, "The Lord will choose on our behalf." Now, some families have battled years of infertility, are first time parents, and are also having to say, "my baby could come in two months or in a year." That is a lot of "surprise" to have on one's plate, and by NO MEANS do I condemn them or anyone else that really just wants one of the "unknowns" resolved beforehand. If you are expecting a baby at any time, it is sure nice to at least know what color to buy. There are many other family circumstances that merit knowing, many of them just like us. I say all of this to say that this isn't a black and white theory statement, it is the call I feel the Lord has put on our family. With all of that out there, we really are hoping for a little girl and the other day I was tempted to say, "oh, let's just choose and be done with it." I had remorse at the thought that I had over-spiritualized our initial answer and that now we would look like fools for changing our minds. I felt the Lord ask me, "Do you trust me? Because if you trust me and the plan is for you to have a girl, then even choosing 'either' cannot change that. Do you trust me to bring your little girl home?" Yes, Lord, I do. I trust you to bring my little boy home, too.
Anyway, I really have this soft heart for a little girl that started concurrently with our adoption process, but I am keeping an open mind and asking the Lord to shape my heart and align it with His, so if we are in fact expecting a boy I will have a huge, welcoming heart for him the same as with a daughter. I mean, really...I know I will fall in love with our little boy, too! This is really a journey of trust, because we have the opportunity to take this into our own hands but we are electing to say, "no thanks." It is hard to surrender control, but I also truly in my heart of hearts want the family the LORD designed for us, not the one we designed ourselves. One thing I know to be true is that He always knows way better than me!
So here we are...saying as always, "I surrender all" and having no idea what the true implications of our words really are in any aspect of our lives.
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