anticipation.

Tomorrow is the big day. Well, the first of several more to come in the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow we meet the woman that has chosen us as potential parents for her baby. It is surreal. I have struggled to keep it off my mind for the last week. In fact, I have thought about it and her a lot. What does she look like? Her height and build aren't enough. I get why it's not enough for an adoptee, either. It's not enough for me. I want to see the features my daughter could inherit. I want to be able to tell her how much her eyes favor her first mom's. I want to be able to dote on her beautiful features and connect them with her roots for her. And I want her to be able to see her face to face, too. This is too much mystery for one to carry indefinitely.

I've battled with wanting to just know the outcome--is this really our baby?? Though I naturally hope it is our baby, I have tried to reserve a reasonable part of myself in case they do decide to parent. I have tried to tell myself that the situation lends itself to them deciding to parent. Yet, I still hope that their current decision is their final one. The other thing I have identified is that the outcome itself is not as agonizing as waiting on the answer. I trust God to bring our baby home. I know she is coming. I just want to know if this is her. and I want to know now. Knowing is way easier (and more self-sufficient) than trusting, you see. The Lord has been trying to get me to trust. Just trust, my love. Just trust without a "but" tagged after the "I trust you, Lord." Who knew it was so hard to just trust without self-applied conditions.

If you are wondering what emotions I'm experiencing 18 hours out from meeting this woman...they include anxiousness about what she will think of us in person / if we will say the right things, hope, and sheer excitement. If you wonder what emotions my husband is experiencing, he isn't. Honestly. I asked him this morning. He is so even-keeled. He is the thinker and I am the feeler. Don't get me wrong, he would love for this to be our baby. He just processes it all very logically. "Either it is our baby or it isn't, and all this speculation is frivolous." Oh, I love my husband. We balance each other so well. He isn't set on making sure he says the right things, he is just a genuine person and trusts that he's the person she read about in the book and loved. I think he is also subconsciously on a mission to help protect me, though he hasn't admitted it. Someone has to be a little more objective.

Oh, if I could press delete on the next 14 hours or so I would. Instead, I'm headed into work to wear myself out before what seems might be an epic moment in my life.