Do you like me? Check yes or no.

You might want to scroll back a few blogs (6 to be exact), as even though I have been writing them in real time I am just now getting the courage to post them. This is a point of vulnerability for me. I value when others are honest about their true emotions and don't glaze over important stories after the fact, so at the risk of being disappointed and having to share that with the world, too...today I'm being the blogger I have wanted to read myself.

So I went to work on Monday night and it seemed that every woman in the city decided it was a good night to have a baby, because we were overflowing and not a single nurse took as much as a sip of water until 5am. We laughed about how water had never tasted so good, about how our urine outputs were far worse than our sick patients, and how such nights befall us far too often ...and in my head I was thinking, "this is not what I had in mind to keep myself preoccupied before our meeting." Somehow, though, I made it to 7:30am and journeyed home for a few hours of sleep before going to the meeting I had been anticipating all week.

When we arrived I was quite nervous. We waited with our adoption specialist for a few minutes before we were taken downstairs to meet her. As they opened the door to the room, I felt a lot of my nervousness melt away. I was immediately struck by the radiant beauty of the woman staring back at us. We greeted her, and with the help of the pregnancy counselor and adoption specialist, we began to get to know each other. We discussed our favorite music, foods, and hobbies. We learned about her family, her life goals, and her interests. She asked about our parenting style, our adoption journey, and Josiah's investment in the idea of a baby sister. We asked about her dreams for her daughter, her expectations of us, and how she for-sees our long-term relationship. The meeting lasted a little less than 2 hours, and when we had exhausted all of the obvious things, I asked her how she felt. When I asked the question, I really was meaning related to being full-term pregnant because I couldn't think of much else to say, however, she interpreted it to mean related to us and the adoption plan. I'm grateful for that mishap, though, because she said, "I feel so much better now that we have met!" Then, she said it again. It was nice to hear that we were actually who she was hoping for when she chose us.

There are still a couple of logistics that could influence her adoption decision, though I didn't get the impression that she was wavering in her plan. I am trying to remain emotionally prepared in the event she decides to parent. What that really means is, I'm hoping this is our baby but not really believing it, at least not yet.

My husband just shakes his head in pity when I ask him repetitively, "Do you think she will follow through? Do you think this is it?!" In his head, it either is or it isn't, and we will find out eventually. OHH to be so even-keeled!

I'm secretly hoping she delivers the baby this weekend. I guess it's not a secret if I write it on my blog, though. The anticipation is too much! That's so shameful...it makes it sound like it is all about me. I think it would be good for everyone, for the record, but I didn't ask her (the mom) what she thought about that. I definitely can't realistically speak for her. So, perhaps if this was about me (which it's not) then the baby could come any day...but I suppose I will actually survive if the baby comes a week later than expected.

What I need to realize (every single second) is that GOD is SOVEREIGN and He has a plan for this baby that was set into motion long before she was conceived. If she is not the daughter He has chosen for our family, we can still rest in the deep peace of knowing He who began this work in us will be faithful to bring it to completion...in the form of a beautiful baby.