watching the pot boil.

I'm sitting around without much to do except think about the could-be's of my every day for the next few weeks. That, and, of course praying for the mommy and her family as they prepare for what is to come.

I've tried to be very conservative in my preparation for the baby to come. I went and bought a few girly long-sleeved onesies and pants at a consignment store last weekend, as I didn't have those and wasn't truly anticipating needing them. Other than that, our house looks the same. No crib...she will only need the pack-n-play bassinet that is tucked away in our linen closet. There are a few packages of diapers in the closet. The changing pad is still out, though we haven't needed it in a year and a half. The bathtub is in the top of Josiah's closet...along with the car seat, blankets, and the small dresser that holds the various girly items I've picked up over the last year. The other stuff can be pulled back out in less than a day's work. Therefore...what it looks like now is pretty much how it is going to stay until our baby comes home. It's better for my sanity that way. It is a little odd to look at our not-at-all different house and think that we could, in theory, actually be bringing a baby home to it in less than two weeks. Now, don't get me wrong...I am a major planner...but this act of surrender is for the greater good, and I acknowledge that.

Our adoption agent is supposed to call me back once she finds out what the mom's hospital plan is. I told the mom in our meeting that we just wanted what she felt was best, and we didn't feel entitled to anything. I told her we didn't even have to know she was at the hospital if she didn't want (though I would like to know so I could be praying!). She said okay, but had also casually mentioned us being at the hospital for the birth. I'm not sure if that is really her plan or if she just said that assuming that was our expectation. Anyway, we truly just want what she feels is best for her and best for her baby. Even if it doesn't end up being our baby in retrospect, I could certainly handle being at the birth, as I do it every day with hundreds of other women I've met less than once. I just don't think that just because she thinks she is going to let us parent her baby means that she wants to let me see the intimacy of her birth, or that I'm entitled to. Honestly, if I was there my goal would more be to advocate to make sure people treated her right and she had the birth she has been hoping for, more than seeing this baby come into the world. That's just the nurse in me, I guess.

I do, in some ways, feel as if I am moping around at full-term pregnant myself. Every day I think, "it could happen today." Every day that passes I think, "we are certainly one day closer to the inevitable!" I also still wonder what she is thinking and feeling as the day approaches. We didn't leave our meeting with any ongoing contact information, as I wasn't quite sure what she was thinking herself. I sent our family email address via our agent today so the mom could contact us herself if she so desires. I'm not sure if she has convenient internet access, though. I didn't ask.

That brings up the next topic, which is...days after our first meeting I'm thinking of other questions I could have asked. I'm thinking, one meeting is not enough to share with someone considering us as parents for her baby! However, whether we meet again before the baby is due is completely up to her. Once again...just waiting on something, though that "something" could be so varied. What if the next phone call is, "she's changed her mind?" What if it is, "the baby has been born!" It could be either. Or, it could be one followed by the other.

I'm trying to rest in the peace of God. It sounds so easy, but every minute of every day I've found myself clinging to it, trying not to let go. If I don't concentrate really hard...if I don't set my eyes on the faithfulness of God, I find myself tumbling down a slippery slope of mistrust, disbelief, and disappointment, though nothing has even given me cause to be disappointed. So here I sit, trying to cling to the scripture that has pulled me back in every time during the last year:

Psalm 37: 3-7

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust also in him and he will do it.

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him

I'm trying, honestly. It's working most of the time. In other news, we are having a few friends over for the Superbowl on Sunday which in most other situations means it is a good prompt for our presence to be requested elsewhere. Maybe she will want some nachos and chicken wings...?