The call...the sequel.

Last Wednesday we got "the call" again. This time, the baby had been born a week and a half before and the 10 Day revocation period was halfway over. We were excited to say the least. It was another one of the "Day 10 falls on Sunday, so it will roll over until Monday" situations. It seems that I am cut out for such things now since I desperately didn't want it to happen before and yet I survived. The short story is...the unthinkable happened. The mom decided to parent on Day 10. It statistically hardly ever happens (as in, 3 times out of the last 160 babies placed). Obviously though, our journey to adoption has been anything but clean lines. I don't want to downplay the story, because it was in fact a very emotionally trying 5 days for me. However, I felt such peace when we found out the morning of our 11th day that today it seems as if the story is a few months old and I am just getting around to telling it.

I wrote to myself therapeutically during those 5 days. We had decided not to tell anyone as our adoption specialist had already told us there seemed to be a few red flags even 5 days in to the revocation period. Not only that, but we thought it would be a really lovely birthday surprise for my mom and stepdad, whose birthdays are a week away. If I told the blog world, there certainly wouldn't have been any surprise left. (This reminds me I have some shopping to do now.) A lot of what I wrote during those 5 days is rather irrelevant at this point, but in order to maintain my goal of being transparent through this journey I am going to give a brief idea of what was going through my head this time.

Starting with Thursday...

The 10 day revocation period is already more than half over, so we have less time to endure the wonder. I thank God for the veil of peace he draped over my heart. I fought the urge to determine whether this was her or not, knowing my highly emotional state may influence my interpretation of the Lord's will. Last time I spent so much time begging God to tell me whether it was her or not because, well, then I wouldn't have to be so dependent on Him, right? I tried to not read too much into it when I didn't "just know" with the phone call. In the last 18 months I have done enough to weary myself of my ability to predict the future. This time, I am asking God for peace over my heart. Peace. I said very simply, "Well, she's either our daughter or she's not," and that's truly how I felt about it. It's the truth. After pulling through two weeks of such refinement in July, I have come to full terms with the fact that I am not going to make anything happen in this world of adoption. Only the Lord is going to bring it to pass.

All of that being said, I stand staring down 4 days with a timid, guarded heart that still can't help but wonder why the Lord would bestow such kindness on us. Can I just say that I am so grateful that it is only 4 days? Even though I don't know what will transpire in the next 4 days, and even though my heart is blanketed in the peace of God's sovereignty, I can't help but daydream about what Tuesday might look like for us.

and Friday...

Oh wow. I didn't feel like this last time. Perhaps it's because we have now officially made it one day longer than last time, which was quite a while. Statistics say that if you make it this long then it is very likely. However, there are, on very rare occasions, Day 10 changes of heart. I don't consider us exempt from such a fate. Perhaps its because I have come to realize that there is no way to stand on this brink without fixating on the idea that we might be privileged enough to lead a drastically different life next week. Whatever it is...if this doesn't work out then I don't think I have the courage to get notice before Day 10 next time. This is not for the faint of heart. In fact, it is the hardest thing I can think of doing in my adult life. I'm trying to let the peace of God reign in my heart. I know His will will be done. It's just waiting to find out if this is how He completes the vision that is tearing me apart. It's crazy because just two days ago I was living in peaceful oblivion and was completely content to wait indefinitely for our baby to arrive. Now we are living a big charade, dancing around in normal life like we don't know a thing though it is somewhat dominating.

Friday evening...

Today my hopes of bringing a baby home on Tuesday came crashing down around me. When I caught up with the social worker at 6pm, she informed me that the mother visited the baby today. The mother commented on how cute the baby was (of course she is) and how she wanted her mother to meet the baby before she was adopted. Cue the crashing. In that moment I felt I knew what fate beholds me. It is only a matter of time before she notifies them she wants to parent. Five minutes before I had caved and packed a diaper bag. This is by far the hardest thing I can remember having to endure. Granted, it's not over yet. However, in my head it is only a matter of time. My husband is marveling at how my emotions are such a roller coaster even though I told myself I wasn't going to commit emotionally. I am marveling at how this 18 month journey has been drastically different than I ever imagined it would be.

and Saturday...

She didn't call today. Surprising. Still expecting the call, though.

and Sunday...

5:22pm on Sunday, the 10th day. I wish I could fast forward to this time tomorrow. I am so anxious. So...not relieved. I still believe that in these circumstances it is very likely that the mother will show up tomorrow stating she has decided to parent. It isn't over until 5pm passes the clock. How will I survive the wait until then? How will I react if the show is called off before then? I don't really know. I am praying for God's victory--for His plan to reign true in the life of this baby girl. I pray that no circumstance could separate her from the plans God has for her, for the family He apportioned for her before she took her first breath. I am anxiously waiting to find out where that is. Oh, glorious God, rain down over us, that we might all live and move and find our being in You. To God be the glory for whatever is to come.

and Monday...we got the call at 9:45am and I didn't feel like writing anything at all. I just returned to work as if that was my intention all along.

I felt released by the Lord to re-do our family profile book, though our adoption specialist said she thought our book was perfectly fine. It is really for my sake. I don't think it is going to speed the time in which we wait on the baby girl the Lord has chosen for our family. I don't even think it says something super impressive that will win over the heart of a mother. I really just needed to do it because I felt the book I made 16 months ago is no longer the best reflection of who we are. It says Josiah is 2 and he is now approaching 4, we live in a completely different house, we have some different interests and experiences, and I really wanted to change the "letter to the mom" to reflect how I really feel...not how some "how-to" online advice said to write it. I feel more at ease with the idea that someone choosing us or not choosing us is dictated by the most accurate portrayal of who we are. And...maybe because my intention is not to "make something happen," this is the first time I've felt the freedom in my heart to make the changes that have nagged me over time.

All of that being said...I'm satisfied with it now. No cheese, no fluff. This is who we are, what we do, how we feel, why we're here. No "right" phrases. Just us. In a book.

I'm feeling very content to wait, indefinitely, on this dream the Lord put in our hearts. He has been so kind to bring unknowing words of encouragement from others when I've questioned whether we were off-base with this whole crazy thing anyway. I have no idea why I often think that hearing correctly should equate to "easy," or rather, why I measure "right" by the ease in which something is accomplished, but I know I have fallen victim to it at times.

I believe the Lord knows the plans He has for our baby girl, and He knew it 18 months ago when He first gave us the privilege of knowing a little bit of her, too. Hopefully we get to marvel over her in person soon.