Day 6

I don't know what I was thinking. I was naively optimistic. There doesn't really seem to be any freedom in the "10 days." Actually, I am just surprised to still be breathing. There is a constant pit in my stomach. I am not attached to my phone in a joyful way anymore. It is a dreadful one instead. Every time my phone rings I have heart palpitations before seeing if the caller is the one who's news I don't want to receive. Every day that I don't get the call I think, "Wow, she (the adoption specialist) didn't call today." It is now the end of Day 6. I thought I might feel a little more at ease by now. I don't. Instead I just think, "How is it only Wednesday?"

I went to visit the baby today, and she is as cute as ever. Jonathan has a conference all week and didn't get to come, though he plans to join me over the weekend should we make it that far. The only time I felt like I was breathing at ease during this whole time was when I was holding her today. I spent two and a half hours hanging out with the interim care mom and our adoption specialist, all the while holding the sweet baby girl and trying to coax her into waking up. She was like a little rag doll. It didn't matter which way I held her, she slept peacefully the whole time, minus the few minutes she woke up to take a bottle. I even changed her diaper in hopes of breaking her slumber spell, but it was to no avail. She was cozy and content to cuddle the whole time. That was fine with me. I enjoyed listening to her little newborn squeaks, watching her faces, and taking deep whiffs of her babyness.

The time passed quickly and as we left I hoped that I get to see her again. I got in my car and fought the inclination to tear up at the idea of it not working out. I am trying to trust that our God is a faithful God with a plan for this baby girl and for us as parents to a new baby. I know that in my heart. I'm trying to live like I believe it though. I am also trying not to feel completely distraught at the idea of starting all over again with the waiting process. I am still 100% supportive of the mother's right to change her mind...which leaves my emotions in a chaotic swirl of essentially hoping the mom's decision is to proceed with adoption and wondering what she is thinking right now.

5 more days...I hope.